SANTARCHY 101 2009: How to Prepare for a Santacon
YES, you MUST wear a costume. NO, you can NOT get by with a red shirt and Santa hat. It’s about the FUR!! (See in the picture of us from last year? Fur! White Fur! Lots of it!)
BE CREATIVE, ya lazy bum! Jeans, in particular BLUE jeans, will be removed and destroyed without warning. Don’t tempt us. Red jeans might make the grade.
Bring innocent toys to hand out to kids and naughty toys to give to adults.
IT IS YOUR CIVIC DUTY TO MAKE PEOPLE WONDER WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
Santa doesn’t get arrested. Always remember the four F’n rules of Santarchy:
(1) Don’t f* with kids.
(2) Don’t f* with cops.
(3) Don’t f* with security.
(4) DON’T F* WITH SANTA!*
VENTUCKY SANTARCHY 101
SAVE SANTA FFARTRIDE Fri. Dec. 4
4:45 MEET at Ventura College, Day & Telegraph
5pm RIDE to the Transit Center at the Pacific View Mall
5:15pm Santas Ride Pacific View Mall
5:30-6pm MEET Aloha/Fountain/Artists Union,
Ventura Beach Promenade, CA St & the sea
6pm RIDE to art galleries: Bell Arts, Laurel St. CSUCI & more
745pm MEET Ventura Visitors Center for LIBATIONS!
Beer from Anacapa, Food from Milanos $5-15 suggested donation
9:45pm SANTACON Pub Crawl Downtown Ventura
Last December, in advance of our first Santacon, I posted lots of information to prepare Santa for the Santacon:
In particular, I’d like to call your attention to “Santa’s Code of Conduct” excerpts below:THIS SANTA CON is for cyclists! THEN it’s a pub crawl!
This is an ALL AGES Santa event!! Until the PUB CRAWL. Download and bring your own copy of the Santacon Carol Book here: http://santarchy.com/other/santacon-carol-book.pdf
T0 prepare, consider doing a few practice runs of some of your favorites! One of mine is “Georgie Baby”; here are the lyrics and here’s Earth Kitt version “Santa Baby”.
Read the rules again! You MUST wear a costume to participate, half ass Santa hats, Christmas shirts, and the like are not enough! DO NOT show up without a costume even if you just want to observe. If you are not in appropriate attire do not expect to hang with the Santa pack. If you want to roll with Santa you must be dressed as Santa!
Santarchy takes place in major cities all over the world involving tens of thousands of Santa’s. It is a non-profit, non-political, non-religious, non-sensical celebration of holiday cheer, goodwill, and fun. There is no good reason to dress up in cheap Santa suits, run around town, sing songs, have strangers sit on our laps and decide who’s naughty or nice…but it’s a lot fun…so Santa does it anyway. Everyone loves Santa and Santa loves everyone!
These Rules and Reminders were taken and adapted from other cities. Please read them so you are not the idiot Santa who gets kicked to the curb.
Can’t afford a Santa costume? Make one! Red sweats, faux fur and a glue gun will get you in the club!! here is a link to instructions: www.knowledgehound.com/khhow2s/make_santa_suit.html
Stick with the pack and you shouldn’t get lost or hurt too badly. If you see more than one pack, stick with the biggest one. Or not. It’s Santarchy, not follow-the-effing- leader. Santa is welcome pretty much anywhere he enters.
BRING YOUR OWN CUP!
Bring a cup for a friend!
Santa contributes cash (not trash)
and combats climate change.
What would the North Pole be like without snow?
Bring money for public transit, alcohol, food, donations, taxi fare. Pay your own tab, donate, and tip the staff like Santa would.
Bring your ID, because even Santa gets carded these days. Stay hydrated, or at least stay liquored up. Bars may be packed, lines may be long, and stops will be short. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN INEBRIATION.***
(Santa does not advocate breaking open container laws. Santa’s just sayin’…)
Don’t be THAT Santa. Your friends want to have fun, not scrape the puke outta your beard or prevent your wasted ass from wandering recklessly into traffic.
Bring innocent toys to hand out to kids and naughty toys to give to adults. IT IS YOUR CIVIC DUTY TO MAKE PEOPLE WONDER WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
Remember that Santarchy isn’t about the BARS, it’s about the CRAWLS. Interact with passers-by as well as other Santarchists. .. they will probably appreciate it. Nice carols will be sung in the streets, naughty carols will be sung in the bars out of the presence of children.
Santa doesn’t get arrested. Always remember the four F’n rules of Santarchy:
(1) Don’t f* with kids.
(2) Don’t f* with cops.
(3) Don’t f* with security.
(4) DON’T F* WITH SANTA!*
And add to that, don’t get yourself into any trouble that you can’t get yourself out of. Santa has a way of disappearing when the red and blue lights start flashing or the fists start flying. Don’t expect a Santa Bouncer or Santa Lawyer to come running to your side, ya stupid prick!
Remember the answers to these frequently asked questions:
Q: Is this some sort of political statement?
A: No, it’s fun. Remember fun?
Q: What organization are you with?
A: Santa!
Q: What are you protesting?
A: Shitty holiday parties.
Q: How did you get here?
A: “A sleigh and eight tiny reindeer”
Q: Who’s in charge?
A: Santa!
Q: Which Santa?
A: The one with the beard.
Q: Which Santa with a beard?
A: That’s it, you’re on the naughty list.
Q: Where are you going?
A: I am only allowed to tell you if you dress like Santa.
Q: Can I join you?
A: Get into a costume and we’ll talk.
Q: But I don’t have a costume?
A: Buy us all a round of drinks and we’ll talk.
If you manage to stay with the pack the whole afternoon and evening, and not get yourself beat up or arrested, you should finish up somewhere near the end of downtown. Anyway, getting your fat Santa ass back to your vehicle is your own damn responsibility, since the reindeer will be too drunk to pull the sleigh. Your best bet is to have someone drop you off at the starting point and take a cab home. Tip them well. DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE.
FUrTHER ADVICE FROM SANTA:
*Get some food in your belly before you meet up w/ the Santa pack so we don’t lose you by noon;
*Drink water after every alcoholic drink (remember marathon, not sprint);
*Eat FOOD – plenty of opportunities;
*Keep a Santa buddy, two actually & have their digits handy;
*If anyone asks – SANTA’S in charge;
*Have handy excuses for why you’re dressed like that (see above);
*If the Police or rent-o-cops ask you to leave, do so
*Bring a map to your house to hand to the taxi driver when you lose the ability to speak;
*Wear layers and comfortable shoes;
*Bring a backpack or Santa Bag- to hold extra Santa clothing to assimilate other Santas, toys, cell phone, nibbles, money;
*Santa doesn’t talk to the press. “Ho-ho-ho” is good. “Publicity ho” is lame.
*Plenty of cash in small bill denominations is best so you are not left behind waiting for your friggin’ tab. Remember Santa’s will be on the move!
Here’s some great information about Santarchy from the Washington cacophonists:
Santa’s Rules:
Be Jolly.
Santa apparel is mandatory. A Santa hat is not enough. Get a Santa suit. Make a Santa suit. Steal a Santa suit. Buy a Santa suit. If you don’t have any money, be creative. If you don’t have any creativity, slap yourself three times and ask your mom to help you. Glue cotton balls to red long johns. Already have a Santa suit? Make a spare so Santa can assimilate strangers. Past examples: pimp Santa/Santa garcia/Santa’s naughty little helper. Traditional suits can be bought at local party stores or ordered online for $12 and up.
Santa’s Reminders:
The schedule is open to liberal interpretation by Santa. If you can’t show up for the start, get the cell number of someone who can talk you in later.
Santa does not make children cry (unless they whine, snivel, or otherwise deserve it). Really – If you see kids, give them nice toys, candy, or something pleasant.
Watching Santas get drunk and obnoxious is fun. Babysitting Santas while they vomit in an alley is not.
Twisting the holiday paradigm until it screams for mercy is fun! Getting arrested is not.
Santa Claus is friendly and cooperative with cops, security guards, park rangers, and secret service agents, and doesn’t break any laws (unless they’re stupid and deserve to be broken).
Bring gifts — Naughty gifts to give grown ups; nice stuff to give kids. Throwing coal at the white house is discouraged.
Pay your own damn bar tab. DO DONATE generously to the non-profit arts facilities we will visit!!
And to add to that:
***CRAWL means, we will be on foot for a stretch. Not recommended for wimpy-whiney-babies.
Impatience is naughty so exercise patience with Santa. Santa does not have email & tends to be tenaciously discreet so you will have to wait for further details as they are posted. The crawl itinerary revealed as we go...trust Santa.
Thanks to santarchy.com and santacon.com and to the other Santarchy/Santacons for the borrowed material.
PS Rumour has it there may be a SECOND Ventucky Santacon on bikes! This one will start at the San Jon Road City of Ventura Maintenance Yard Parking Lot, travel to the Ventura Harbor, travel back through Pierpont, then roam the downtown area on bikes and on foot. Proposed for Sat. December 18 or 19.
art predator 
Sounds like fun! Fortunately, nude Santas are a no no but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone tried to bend the rules wearing only the beard!